Sincerely

     "    Sincerely? I wanna be in love. Watching others with their partner as they walk bay passing me pricks my heart in jealousy and in agony. Why can't I be like them? Why can't I have a partner like her? I feel as if I'm ready to get into a serious relationship after watching those people. 

       As I look at my sister and my brother-in-law, another agony strikes my heart. Not wanting them to realize the pain in my heart, the jealousy that I have right in here, I would always look away as if I was preoccupied with something else. I would steal a glance or two at them feeling the green monster is building inside of me. But still, I keep calm. I restrained myself.

        As I sit down on the couch in Star Bucks, I watch a couple entering. I thought to myself, "Woah. They're perfect for each other. He's such a gentleman." I was trying hard not to giggle giddily. Didn't really wanna catch their unneeded attention. Overall, I feel happy for those people while drifting off into my own thoughts of when will I be then one who people would be envious of.

         Then I saw my mom walking slowly with wild eyes searching for me. I smirked in recalling what happened. She walked towards with me with a mischievous smile. And immediately I know what she wants. "Let's go home" she said.

          Unwillingly to do so, I force myself to get up and curve a forced smile at her hiding the rebellious attitude that I feel inside of me. I thought to myself that don't rebel, don't go against her. She's been through enough. She needs my support. She needs me now than ever. So that's why I have been such an obedient little daughter. What ever she says, I go along with it. What ever she nags about, I calmly listen to it. When ever she wants me to get out of bed and talk to her, I would obediently comply although the rebellious girl inside of me is eager to go against her. But I couldn't pull myself to do that to her. Not after dad's death.

           I do wanna be in love but recalling of what happened to my 2 failed fake relationships, I knock some senses back into me. If it failed twice, there must be something wrong with you. Yes. That though was pondering in my mind every time I would think of the word, relationship or love. I thought to myself, I must did something wrong. I deserve the best.

           Some might call me a stuck up b**** but I prefer to call myself smart. I love myself and unlike some people, I don't want to go through the whole routine of fakes I love you, you love me. People say experiences teaches you. I would always gag myself into hearing that. Experiences? What experiences? Getting fooled by a male figure and getting yelled at just cause they are your so called boyfriend? I'd rather be single than having to go through the useless routines of break ups and not having a confirmed future of whether you'd be marrying the dude or not. A sense of security and confirmation. I need that. not just words spitting out from his mouth, "Baby, I love you. You will always be mine." In novels? Drama? Movies? Sure, they are amazing, but in the real world? Words like that doesn't mean a thing unless a ring comes with and a crowd of people would gather in front of your house to congratulate you with your upcoming wedding. Yes. I'm demanding, but shouldn't we be? I mean, marriage isn't a simple thing of getting married and getting divorced at any point of time or when you feel like it. It's a constructed unit. Which you build with concretes and cement to make sure it will last long. And so is marriage. We get married with the hopes of spending the rest of our lives building a family with children being the pillars of that marriage and getting old together with our partner.

            These are my thought every time I think I wanna be in love. And? I'm already in love. It's just that the person whom I'm in love with? Haven't showed up to claim his love yet. He's still wandering around like me trying to find that person who would connect to his heart. That person who would look at him and instantly hit him on where it matters. We're both still searching...."