One day, I will get married to a sweet, charming, loving husband and father. That is what I think every single second of my life. That one day I will be happy and own a happy and sometimes hopefully a bit messed up family. My own. My kids, my husband. Maybe the truth is I wanna be a housewife. Maybe. Just a maybe. 

Coming from a family with a lot of troubles, a perfect family was never a word that could be used to describe my family. It was rocky, challenging and most of the time, I felt all alone and truly was alone. I had no one to turn to and I was getting used to the feelings of being alone and spent my high school years alone. I think. I have friends, tons but I choose to stay in the back ground unnoticed cause it has been that way for years and being the awesome unknown, was a lot easier to me. And so yeah, I have a problem when someone is trying to get close to me. I reject. WOW. I know. 

I often ask myself, will there ever be someone who would truly love me and care for me like he did? Kissed me in the forehead every single morning before going to work like he did? Saying he loved me at unusual times like he did? There will never be anyone like him. Like my father who truly loved me although I was mainly the pain in his ass. 

I am scared. I'm scared that what I'm hoping for, what I picture of my future would never come true and it would just turn out to be a dead dream, kicked and exhausted in a corner left and rots away. I am so scared of the future without him. My children will never get the chance to know him, if there is a chance for me to have children. My wedding would be incomplete without his presence. And I will never ever get over this feeling of lost and loneliness.

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Envision my future in the next 10 years, I start to think about the things I'm doing now; If they're worth it or just a waste of time. I look around and stopped when I saw her, a beautiful creature awarded to my sister by God, a beautiful girl, soft and so pure. When she smiles, she lights up everybody's world. When she shouts, she puts an honest smile on everybody's face. And she is just a baby. While she is just a baby, she is already capable of putting a smile and lighting up everyone's world. 

As I look at myself in the mirror, a thought jumped in, "Do I look beautiful to people? Or am I ugly to them?". Funny story, really. As everyone says around me that I am such a sweet girl, inside really, I'm laughing my ass off and the small part of me that's real, crawls up real tight and small deep inside of me. I am not sweet and was never sweet, I think but then really, I dunno for real.

You know when a lot of things kind of fell in all at once at a point in your life, like it or not, you would break at some point. Although it took me about 5 months, but finally, I did break. I am breaking, right now. That feeling of emptiness, somehow a hole that was filled with something now no longer filled with anything is burdening me. Somehow, my heart is broken, but I'm too tried to cry. I am just so sick and tired of this all the time. I wished that it would just disappear into the thin air and never again show itself to me. But reality isn't that easy. You need to fight to have that happiness. You need to work hard to get it. You can't just expect for it to just roll its body towards you. 

Future, present, past are just episodes of your life. Events that were and are unplanned. They became your life. Amazing if you really look at it. When I think about the word future, and try to picture it, all I get is blank and blank and blank. I really dunno. For now, all I see is everyday, the present this second. Future will come without asking for it and I'll see what would happen. I guess this is my future, my everyday life is my future.