One day, I will get married to a sweet, charming, loving husband and father. That is what I think every single second of my life. That one day I will be happy and own a happy and sometimes hopefully a bit messed up family. My own. My kids, my husband. Maybe the truth is I wanna be a housewife. Maybe. Just a maybe.
Coming from a family with a lot of troubles, a perfect family was never a word that could be used to describe my family. It was rocky, challenging and most of the time, I felt all alone and truly was alone. I had no one to turn to and I was getting used to the feelings of being alone and spent my high school years alone. I think. I have friends, tons but I choose to stay in the back ground unnoticed cause it has been that way for years and being the awesome unknown, was a lot easier to me. And so yeah, I have a problem when someone is trying to get close to me. I reject. WOW. I know.
I often ask myself, will there ever be someone who would truly love me and care for me like he did? Kissed me in the forehead every single morning before going to work like he did? Saying he loved me at unusual times like he did? There will never be anyone like him. Like my father who truly loved me although I was mainly the pain in his ass.
I am scared. I'm scared that what I'm hoping for, what I picture of my future would never come true and it would just turn out to be a dead dream, kicked and exhausted in a corner left and rots away. I am so scared of the future without him. My children will never get the chance to know him, if there is a chance for me to have children. My wedding would be incomplete without his presence. And I will never ever get over this feeling of lost and loneliness.
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