One day, I will get married to a sweet, charming, loving husband and father. That is what I think every single second of my life. That one day I will be happy and own a happy and sometimes hopefully a bit messed up family. My own. My kids, my husband. Maybe the truth is I wanna be a housewife. Maybe. Just a maybe. 

Coming from a family with a lot of troubles, a perfect family was never a word that could be used to describe my family. It was rocky, challenging and most of the time, I felt all alone and truly was alone. I had no one to turn to and I was getting used to the feelings of being alone and spent my high school years alone. I think. I have friends, tons but I choose to stay in the back ground unnoticed cause it has been that way for years and being the awesome unknown, was a lot easier to me. And so yeah, I have a problem when someone is trying to get close to me. I reject. WOW. I know. 

I often ask myself, will there ever be someone who would truly love me and care for me like he did? Kissed me in the forehead every single morning before going to work like he did? Saying he loved me at unusual times like he did? There will never be anyone like him. Like my father who truly loved me although I was mainly the pain in his ass. 

I am scared. I'm scared that what I'm hoping for, what I picture of my future would never come true and it would just turn out to be a dead dream, kicked and exhausted in a corner left and rots away. I am so scared of the future without him. My children will never get the chance to know him, if there is a chance for me to have children. My wedding would be incomplete without his presence. And I will never ever get over this feeling of lost and loneliness.

Untitled

Envision my future in the next 10 years, I start to think about the things I'm doing now; If they're worth it or just a waste of time. I look around and stopped when I saw her, a beautiful creature awarded to my sister by God, a beautiful girl, soft and so pure. When she smiles, she lights up everybody's world. When she shouts, she puts an honest smile on everybody's face. And she is just a baby. While she is just a baby, she is already capable of putting a smile and lighting up everyone's world. 

As I look at myself in the mirror, a thought jumped in, "Do I look beautiful to people? Or am I ugly to them?". Funny story, really. As everyone says around me that I am such a sweet girl, inside really, I'm laughing my ass off and the small part of me that's real, crawls up real tight and small deep inside of me. I am not sweet and was never sweet, I think but then really, I dunno for real.

You know when a lot of things kind of fell in all at once at a point in your life, like it or not, you would break at some point. Although it took me about 5 months, but finally, I did break. I am breaking, right now. That feeling of emptiness, somehow a hole that was filled with something now no longer filled with anything is burdening me. Somehow, my heart is broken, but I'm too tried to cry. I am just so sick and tired of this all the time. I wished that it would just disappear into the thin air and never again show itself to me. But reality isn't that easy. You need to fight to have that happiness. You need to work hard to get it. You can't just expect for it to just roll its body towards you. 

Future, present, past are just episodes of your life. Events that were and are unplanned. They became your life. Amazing if you really look at it. When I think about the word future, and try to picture it, all I get is blank and blank and blank. I really dunno. For now, all I see is everyday, the present this second. Future will come without asking for it and I'll see what would happen. I guess this is my future, my everyday life is my future.

Sincerely

     "    Sincerely? I wanna be in love. Watching others with their partner as they walk bay passing me pricks my heart in jealousy and in agony. Why can't I be like them? Why can't I have a partner like her? I feel as if I'm ready to get into a serious relationship after watching those people. 

       As I look at my sister and my brother-in-law, another agony strikes my heart. Not wanting them to realize the pain in my heart, the jealousy that I have right in here, I would always look away as if I was preoccupied with something else. I would steal a glance or two at them feeling the green monster is building inside of me. But still, I keep calm. I restrained myself.

        As I sit down on the couch in Star Bucks, I watch a couple entering. I thought to myself, "Woah. They're perfect for each other. He's such a gentleman." I was trying hard not to giggle giddily. Didn't really wanna catch their unneeded attention. Overall, I feel happy for those people while drifting off into my own thoughts of when will I be then one who people would be envious of.

         Then I saw my mom walking slowly with wild eyes searching for me. I smirked in recalling what happened. She walked towards with me with a mischievous smile. And immediately I know what she wants. "Let's go home" she said.

          Unwillingly to do so, I force myself to get up and curve a forced smile at her hiding the rebellious attitude that I feel inside of me. I thought to myself that don't rebel, don't go against her. She's been through enough. She needs my support. She needs me now than ever. So that's why I have been such an obedient little daughter. What ever she says, I go along with it. What ever she nags about, I calmly listen to it. When ever she wants me to get out of bed and talk to her, I would obediently comply although the rebellious girl inside of me is eager to go against her. But I couldn't pull myself to do that to her. Not after dad's death.

           I do wanna be in love but recalling of what happened to my 2 failed fake relationships, I knock some senses back into me. If it failed twice, there must be something wrong with you. Yes. That though was pondering in my mind every time I would think of the word, relationship or love. I thought to myself, I must did something wrong. I deserve the best.

           Some might call me a stuck up b**** but I prefer to call myself smart. I love myself and unlike some people, I don't want to go through the whole routine of fakes I love you, you love me. People say experiences teaches you. I would always gag myself into hearing that. Experiences? What experiences? Getting fooled by a male figure and getting yelled at just cause they are your so called boyfriend? I'd rather be single than having to go through the useless routines of break ups and not having a confirmed future of whether you'd be marrying the dude or not. A sense of security and confirmation. I need that. not just words spitting out from his mouth, "Baby, I love you. You will always be mine." In novels? Drama? Movies? Sure, they are amazing, but in the real world? Words like that doesn't mean a thing unless a ring comes with and a crowd of people would gather in front of your house to congratulate you with your upcoming wedding. Yes. I'm demanding, but shouldn't we be? I mean, marriage isn't a simple thing of getting married and getting divorced at any point of time or when you feel like it. It's a constructed unit. Which you build with concretes and cement to make sure it will last long. And so is marriage. We get married with the hopes of spending the rest of our lives building a family with children being the pillars of that marriage and getting old together with our partner.

            These are my thought every time I think I wanna be in love. And? I'm already in love. It's just that the person whom I'm in love with? Haven't showed up to claim his love yet. He's still wandering around like me trying to find that person who would connect to his heart. That person who would look at him and instantly hit him on where it matters. We're both still searching...."

When I'll Look Back

When I'll look back to this moment where B.A.P. is my idol and I'm so crazy about em, I think I would smile and eventually cry. Cause this is the best moment in my life. I would dance to their song. Fall in love with Zelo and fall in love with BYG. I would learn their song and make covers on em. I would hang their poster on my wall. I would stare at em and wish that I could meet an exact replica of Zelo. When I went to their concert and enjoyed it every single, precious moment. When I get to take pictures with em. When I got to have their autographs. I'd smile when I recall of BAP wishing me happy birthday. I'd cry when knowing those are all in the past. I would say to myself, tho it's in the past, I had a fun run. It was bumpy and hard but it was worth it. I got something out of it as a souvenir. I got precious memories that cannot be bought with money. And I would cry out of happiness thinking that those are the most precious moments in my adolescence time. :)

Jong Up

BangYongGuk-Zelo

BAP

Jung Dae Hyun

Yoo Young Jae

Kim Him Chan

Zelo

A Short Story #1: Sacrifice

Alright. I just feel like venting all of my feelings into these short stories. Well, I'm not sure it is as good as those novels out there so this is just for fun. Hope you'll enjoy it. This is the First Series of A Short Story.

You know that feeling? The awkwardness when you transferred school and on the first day attending school where everyone stares at you as if they were seeing an entity or an extraterrestrial being. Have you ever felt that? Have you ever been there? Well it seems like it is my destiny. I’ve changed school for like the hundredth time date today. It was as if I was a refugee running from the authorities. Huh. How I wish it was that easy. My past is so different from others here. Not to mention that this school is an elite school. Woah. I didn’t even know I was even allowed in this kind of place. I feel so out of place now.

Looking around, Mia walked to the office to get her schedule but before she could enter the office, she saw a boy looking directly at her with a wondering gaze. She decided to ignore him. ‘He must be surprised that a low life like me is allowed to enrol in this school I guess. Tch. What an asshole. Whatever.’ Lingering that thought in her mind, she walked into the office without hesitation.  She was called into the principal’s office and was given a talk because of her record in her previous schools.

“I see you have some very strong connections in the school board for being allowed to enroll in this school. Nonetheless, you are subject to this school’s rules and regulations. I don’t care who you are or who are your connections are. This is MY school. I RAN this school. Therefore, I expect a very well behaved attitude from you. Well, especially you.” Staring at Mia long and deep, she starts talking again, “I was informed that you don’t have a family, is that true? You are all alone?” Rolling her eyes, Mia only nodded in agreement. She felt that the principal was too annoying for her to use her voice to answer what she thought was the stupidest question ever directed towards her. ‘I think I’ve enrolled in the school for donkeys. The head of the school must be the King of all FOOLS in this world. Tch. What a joke. I guess elite schools aren’t any different from them norm schools’, Mia thought to herself. She was jerked back into reality when the headmaster shouted, “Hey! Are you listening to me!? I don’t know who your parents are, but don’t you think you can do anything that you want here! I pity you for having such an irresponsible par..’ A rage ran through Mia’s veins. She got up from the chair, giving a threatening gaze at the headmaster. A very loud screeching was heard from the chair she was sitting on. “Don’t you dare say one more word.” Breathing heavily, she starts talking again, “You stupid old hag! Just because you frickin run this school, doesn’t mean that you can say anything that comes to your mind. If you think that you are better than me than just drop it. Keep your thoughts to yourself. Before I lose any sense of respect I have left for you, back off.” Grabbing her bag, she stormed out of the office. Her rage was controlling her. ‘How could she say that? I thought the principal at an elite school would be different, better and...and...understanding. I guess, once you are seen as a low-life, it will always be your image. Tch!’

The Reason

The reason I walked away was cause I couldn't handle it. I know what u feel inside. I know somewhere deep inside I annoy u. So I walked away. I walked away cause I was hurt. No one in this world understood what I felt. Do you know how much I hated this world? Yes. That much. Enough to even having thoughts about I should just drop dead. Why? Cause at that time I see myself as worthless. I see myself as that chick who's asking for a bag. How I hated myself. I wished I was never born to this world. I wished I never existed. I belt it out to the world saying "I never asked for this life!!!". I felt alone and so condemned. I looked at myself and I hated myself. how I wished I could just disappear. How I wished I could just become someone else. I felt as if I wasn't worth to be loved. I know I am not worth to be loved. Every time I open up my heart, people would hate me. And until now, I can't be myself any more. I have to pretend to be someone else. It is killing me.

The past is a ghost haunting me. I could never get away from it no matter how hard I try. I feel as if it is following me everywhere and every single second of my life. That's why I don't get close to people. I can't. You'd hate me too much. Cause, I'd hate me too. 

G-Dragon's New Album, One of A Kind!

So, GD will release his new mini album titled One of A Kind on 13 September if I'm not mistaken, if I am, well, please forgive me. Mianeyo. :( Guess what? I am so buying! If you are a fan of GD, then you should totally buy and support him!