Crushed

Orang yang aku suka, orang yang aku sayang, orang yang paling tinggi aku taruh harapan padanya telah pun ada orang lain yang bertakhta di hatinya. Wah. Senang ye untuk kita disakiti. Kecewa? Ada jugak? Sebab pada dia aku menaruh harapan, pada dia aku lihat masa depan aku. Di mana lagi hendak harus ku letakkan harapan? Pada siapa lagi untuk aku jadikan dunia aku? Di sini telah ternyata, yang dia bukan lagi dengan aku.


:((( Sadness is not something we asked for, but something that would teach us to be strong.


Salam.

Not For Me

I think this course is not for me. But giving up right now isn't the right choice either. I'm gonna be here for only a year so I might wanna reconsider and try my hardest to study and actually learn something other than what I've been learning all these times. Well, NO, IIE, I ain't giving up cause I haven't done my best.

So...Wish me LUCK would ya'???

SAYOONARA!!!!

Aku Punya Hal

Aduhaii...Assignment nak kata banyak tak lah sangat kan tapi susah KOTT. And yang paling SIGNIFICANT sekali adalah ASHITA!!! TOMORROW!!! ESOK!!! Ade kuiz derr. Mengapa? Kenapa? Dooshte?? Why? aku memang suka bab bab mengtensionkan otak aku yang sedia sentiasa sSTERES inih. Kann? Tak lah susah kan but....aku tak suka lah bab bab kena study last last min nih. Nyusahkan tahu tak?? Hehe. Sebenarnya aku lupa yang esok ade kuiz, sebab tuh tak study awal awal. Derkk. Padan muka, kan? YOU DESERVE IT!!! Muahahaha!!! (tukar jadi monster kaler pepel dah disebabkan seteres yang melampau) Agaklah kan? Iklan sebentar. Hakahaks. Tak der lah, aku ni bab bab kena study memang lah lembap sikit sebabnye kan.....anooo...aku pemalas tahap dunia, tahap cipan alam sekalian! ROSAK! Tu lah kan, macam mana aku boleh dapat kos LAW nih kan? Bengap tol lah. Kan? 


Hurmm. kena ubahlah perangai yang memang tak boleh nak guna nih. Bagaikan kata kata hikmat dari ibuku, Tak Guna Seduit! Bila lah aku nak ubah ye? Entahlah, tapi nak cuba dari sekarang tapi sekarang pun aku bukannya menelaah buku, contrary to that, I am studying the culture of FaceBook and Twitter and how it effects our daily life. Thesis yang sememangnya takder kena mengena dengan aku punya kos sekarang. Memang terbaeeklah thesis aku kan? Ha, mite mite. Tengok tengok. Bab bab tuh aku pandai pulak. Aduish. pelik benor lah. Ah sudah lah. Aku nak sambung merosakkan otak aku dengan lebih efficient and further...


Ja ne! Salam. :D

I think I'm crazy....??

The title already seems crazy. T.T. Of course it would mean that I'm a bit crazed since DOT DOT DOT. I don't know what to do. What to say. How to act. TUP. The End.

Now, now. I'm just kidding. Seriously, I think I am crazy, for real. Why? Well, I think I'm in love but there's not a single person I'm in love with. I think I wanna be in love but we all know that it's not possible. Like EVER! So, the conclusion is, I AM CRAZY. Macam mana mau bikin. Entahlah derr. I can't figure it out this time. If I'm in love with YamaPi, then it would mean I'm at the bottom of all the bottoms that ever existed in this world. Majorly, enough said. Am I bored? Maybe. But I do wanna be in love. I do! Damn girl, don't you have anything else that you can do? I would but then my heart is in so much chaos that I can't fix it. I can't be in love with someone I've never met and never even got to know. So, I'm doomed for EVA! I met this really cute guy at my college, he was the ultimate kakkoi and kawaii otoko. Majorly. Ain't lying. Of course a naturalistic girl like me would fall for him. Like duhh. But then of course again a otoko like him would never even know that girls like us would ever existed. XDD. It's a frickin truth fact. Can't deny it. How I wish I would be with a guy like him. WOW. It's been ages since I talked about love this way. Is it ok for me to act like this? IS IT? Well, whatever it is, I've gotta get over it pronto. Or I'll never be sane ever again. Ja ne. Love ya'!

Wakaranai yo....

Just like my title, I'm still stating the same thing. Wakaranai yo. I don't understand, I don't know. Truly. What I'm feeling right now is very strange. Eager to be in love? Am I crazy or stupid? BAKAYARO! I really don't understand this feeling. Been trying to figure it out since forever but I came to a conclusion of no answer. How did the feeling was triggered? How did I become to this girl? Has the world been this terrible? No fun? No happiness? All those unanswered questions still linger in my mind. I feel like my heart is about to burst. I feel so lonely and fed up but there's nothing I could ever possibly do. Why's that? I feel like crying but I won't cry. I feel like breaking but I can't. What happened to me? To my heart? Was I ever this lonely and unhappy? What is so wrong right now? Every time I play the song, Loveless by YamaPi or his real name, Yamashita Tomohisa, I know that is the perfect song to describe me. LOVELESS. Not necessarily means between a guy and a girl but also in my heart. I lost the ability to truly love. I feel so empty.....Nande desu ka? 

My Real Dream

My dream has always been the only to pursue a career in music by playing the piano or any other instrument. I love music so much. It gives a life to live without ever having to be dissapointed at all. Having being forced to abandon it almost kill me twice. I cried for two whole weeks when that happened and I still am crying when ever I see or hear people plays piano. I wonder why am I so in love with the music. I wasn't born as a pianist so that dream was never mine to achieve. I never dared telling my mom the truth about wanting to pursue a career in music. I never even had the idea of telling her or my father the truth. I know they wouldn't agree with it. And I know I can't succeed in it anyways. It's too damn late. Accepting the fate that I have to abandon my love, my heart was the hardest thing I have to do ever in my pathetic life. I changed it into being a lawyer or some what. I took law as my study because I couldn't think of anything else that I might do to replace my abandoned dream. My heart is at ease a bit. I stayed away from piano and from ever hearing the music. I can't take it. I feel like I'm dying. I wish I could pursue my studied in music. I really want that. I'd do anything to have it.

Why Is It So Painful?

Why is it so painful to bear. I envy people who has the talent and time and has been given the chance to completely commit their lives only to music. I wasn't given that same chance. Truth be told, my heart is aching every time the thought of my dream could never be pursued and the sound of piano came to my hearing. I just feel like running away from reality and escape into the fake reality where I'm a great pianist and I only have to play the music that I seem to longed all these times. Why is it so hard? I could never question FATE as it always has plan for me. Allah has given me the best for me. Maybe that path was never for me. And again, a WHY could never be a question. I kept all those feelings bottled up inside of me and I forced myself to erase all of the memories I have related to music and piano. I had to pretend that the music never interest me. But, it did not last, a song has to be heard, a piece from Ravel wake me from my reality bringing back all of those painful memories. I can't escape this time. But can I achieve the impossible in just few years? IMPOSSIBLE. is the key word. No one can understand the feeling I share with my music and my piano. Only people who are lucky enough to truly understand music can understand the mutual feeling of being forced to abandon your love, abandon your dream, abandon your life. Spending time with music is so much more than spending time with a lover. Once you lost it, it could never be found again. At least, that's what I feel. My heart is dying, trying to pretend it is not hurt. Pretending that I can bear with it all. Tears are overflowing, stopping it is fatal now. I just wanna go home. Meet my teacher again, hear him explaining again. But here I am, continuing my studies for the sake of everybody. Not me. I choose the life of music but my life choose the life of a lawyer. How ironic? Lawyers are serious and might not understand the meaning of abandoning music forever. How sadistic. But, I accept it in hoping that the life of music might be achieved by me someday.

Damn, Stressed Out

Serius aku cakap, I'm so frickin damn stressed. Nak kata cause of assignment not entirely true lah kann? Dengan seorang jenis manusia yang sememangnya hanya fikirkan him, himself and his damaged self fanatic brain. Teruk benor dah ni. Panggilan panjang siot. Aduh. Bengan tahap memang tak boleh nak ubati dah. Ha tengok. Kau punya karena lah ni. Sedar tak wahai manusia jenis selfish tak bertempat? Ubah la ye kalau boleh, takdenya aku nak suruh kau ubah dalam satu malam. Memang tempah nahas tahap alam lah jawabnya. Tapi cuba lah perlahan perlahan, slow pacing. Boleh? Ha. Kann manis begitu? Kann? Tahu lah aku ni junior kau je. Tak ada hak atau tahap yang mencukupi lagi untuk menegur or mengajar kau tapi ini untuk kebaikan semua dan terutamanya sekali untuk kebaikan diri kau sendiri. Serius lah aku tak nak benci kau ke, ade masalah dengan kau ke. Kita semua sama je, course yang sama, belajar yang sama, semua sama, takde beza. Tak elok pulak lah kan kita gaduh gaduh ke. Kalau ada yang tak puas hati sikit tu, datang je, bincang elok elok dengan aku. Aku faham lah. Bukannya aku ni bengap sangat. Tak perlu nak perli perli, takde maknanya. Tak elok macam tu kann? Aku pun dah tak tahu nak buat baik macam mana lagi dengan kau. Elok aku rasa kau dah ok and boleh join tetiba kau nak ungkit past yang dah berkarat kancing tuh. Agak lah kan? Aku bukannya ape, benda tu mendatangkan rasa sakit hati, tak senang kan? Kau bukannya jahil kan? Kau dah besar, pandai dari aku rasanya, tua dari aku pulak tu. Truth be told la kan, I'd expect you to guide us all not us trying to put up with your sometimes unacceptable nonsense. Professional la sikit. show some respect towards us. It ain't that hard, right? Kalau kau terasa, aku minta maaf lah, aku tak nak lah sakitkan hati sesiapa, terutama kau, ketua. Susah tahu tak. Tapi kalau dah sampai memang aku rasa malas nak kata pape dah, paham paham jelah, ye? So, fikir fikir kan lah wahai manusia yang sememangya dicipta untuk menjadi leader.

Peritnya Berjauhan

Perit berjauhan dari semua orang yang aku sayang dan rindu. Perit tak dapat nak tatap wajah mereka setiap hari seperti hari hari yang lalu. Perit membayangkan saat saat aku bersama mereka. Perit mengetahui yang aku berjauhan dari mereka. Perit tak dapat nak dengari lagi suara lantang mereka. Perit bila berjauhan dari orang yang aku sayang.


Berada di UiTM ni tak lah perit. Memang best di sini, aku tak nafikan. Tapi setiap kali terpancar wajah wajah keluarga aku, sedih melanda hati, pilu menjadi peneman. Betapa peritnya hati ini. Nak melangkah pulang ke sini , hanya Allah yang tahu betapa beratnya hati nak melangkah pulang. Bukan aku benci. Tidak sama sekali. Cuma takut peluang untuk berjumpa kembali dengan keluarga ku hilang begitu saja. Takut sangat aku. Takut tak bersebab. Semua itu ketentuan Allah, bukan aku, bukan sesiapa. Tapi tetap aku takutkan. Tetap aku risaukan. Peritnya ini tak seperit dugaan dugaan yang akan datang. Tapi demi wajah wajah yang aku terlalu rindui, aku lalui jugak dugaan ini, minta Allah tabahkan hati, kuatkan azam. Untuk mereka, aku sanggup lalui apa saja. Demi kebahagiaan mereka, aku mampu lakukan apa saja. Demi kesenangan mereka, aku tahu aku mesti mampu dan tabah untuk lakukan semua ini. 


Dugaan sementara, untuk kuatkan hati, kuatkan azam, tekunkan jiwa aku untuk terus berjuang tanpa pernah kalah. Aku jatuh, aku bangun semula, hanya demi masa depan dan janji aku pada diri aku untuk tidak pernah walau sesaat pun mengecewakan wajah wajah mereka yang selalu mengharapkan aku untuk membawa pulang sebuah kemenangan. Sekeping ijazah. Satu kejayaan. Ingin sungguh aku dengar, aku lihat, kegembiraan yang tidak berbelah bagi hanya kerana kejayaan aku. Itu impian aku. Hanya untuk keluarga aku. Aku senang lihat mereka senang, jadi aku letakkan mereka sebagai matlamat aku supaya suatu hari nanti, aku akan mampu pulang dengan senang hati.


Mak, ayah, kakak, Mimi. Tunggu ya. Akan ku pulang membawa hadiah.