Why Is It So Painful?

Why is it so painful to bear. I envy people who has the talent and time and has been given the chance to completely commit their lives only to music. I wasn't given that same chance. Truth be told, my heart is aching every time the thought of my dream could never be pursued and the sound of piano came to my hearing. I just feel like running away from reality and escape into the fake reality where I'm a great pianist and I only have to play the music that I seem to longed all these times. Why is it so hard? I could never question FATE as it always has plan for me. Allah has given me the best for me. Maybe that path was never for me. And again, a WHY could never be a question. I kept all those feelings bottled up inside of me and I forced myself to erase all of the memories I have related to music and piano. I had to pretend that the music never interest me. But, it did not last, a song has to be heard, a piece from Ravel wake me from my reality bringing back all of those painful memories. I can't escape this time. But can I achieve the impossible in just few years? IMPOSSIBLE. is the key word. No one can understand the feeling I share with my music and my piano. Only people who are lucky enough to truly understand music can understand the mutual feeling of being forced to abandon your love, abandon your dream, abandon your life. Spending time with music is so much more than spending time with a lover. Once you lost it, it could never be found again. At least, that's what I feel. My heart is dying, trying to pretend it is not hurt. Pretending that I can bear with it all. Tears are overflowing, stopping it is fatal now. I just wanna go home. Meet my teacher again, hear him explaining again. But here I am, continuing my studies for the sake of everybody. Not me. I choose the life of music but my life choose the life of a lawyer. How ironic? Lawyers are serious and might not understand the meaning of abandoning music forever. How sadistic. But, I accept it in hoping that the life of music might be achieved by me someday.